Whispers from the Dust

The dust continues to settle, it’s been over 2 years since my first and only post here. I decided to focus on my more positive blog, The Logical Heart Knows Best, the rational, love and light aspect of me. Carokashu is the dank, untamed, fearful and dark side of me, which I avoid and disown, because it isn’t “proper” for me to be petty, hurt, wounded and struggling. Where I feel shameful because I am not perfect and loving. Too wretched to show these colors, a burden to others and myself. The part of me that sabotages, raging, intense, running wild into the night, metaphorically of course? 😉

On the other side of comfort where the harsh cruelties of being human compel our inspiring creations, stories, archetypes and art. Into the heart of darkness, eventually surrendering to the light at the end of the tunnel, guided by the logical heart, we hope.

There and back again, over and over, the ouroboros, don’t want it, but I accept it because I am human and bound by my physicality. To pretend and deny that there is no pain, to ignore my feelings is to be lost and disconnected, squandering chances to create, the phoenix, I welcome.

So I resist, wrestle, whine and cry sometimes 🙂 I also agonize about sharing too much of the personal details of my life because I don’t want to overstep the boundaries of others. I am adverse to causing drama, don’t like to be around the crazy making and my life has been dedicated to creating peace and love in my immediate environment and to especially cultivate those qualities in me.

Yet, I also have the inspiration to share with others in the hopes that we can all learn and grow together from our common adversities. To hide the traumas, so that they do not see the light of day, except when we individually and privately are brave enough to face them and transmute them if we are able…to hide what we’ve experienced and learned, to avoid being uncomfortable, to pretend that everything is easy and all positive and to say that if I share my negative experience that it only causes more harm?

I don’t know? I question this?

I believe we need to examine adversities with a goal of understanding, so we can learn and solve the problems so that history does not continue to repeat itself? That maybe by sharing, others can learn without having to actually survive a trauma and could be proactive and actually prevent the painful experiences? Or is it folly? Are we all doomed to the repetition of hurt and betrayal, is it futile to even try? How do we know? Why not try to help make the world a better place?

There’s a difference between sharing a negative experience where there is re-victimization, anger and blame. Where it only serves to keep a person stuck in a vicious cycle of negativity as opposed to sharing in efforts to validate, educate and support others who may be in similar situations, where it serves healing, personal responsibility and growth.

Or is it even better to aspire to non attachment where I basically become removed from this physicality, live in my mind and dwell mostly in spirit where none of this earthly life is real anyway, it’s all temporary so why bother with any of the stories and happenings of life? What are our feelings for anyway?
Is it truly beneficial to detach, our bodies and life as a human are only temporary so let go, allow the feelings to pass, forgive and eventually it will be second nature and nothing can touch you? Be a Zen monk, or Jesus? Impractical to me, given our intricate lives, although all of the teachings can be valuable in establishing balance and healing. My view is that resistance is futile and detaching, or non-attachment is a tool to live a more peaceful life, but not a cure for being human. We are subject to pain and suffering, no matter what we practice.

I vacillate and at times I can maintain the big Buddha way, then at others I am a petty little girl. I am human, pure and not so simple 🙂

I am still deciding where to begin and how much to share in this Carokashu blog. I made up the name. Caro…I used to sing Caro nome from Verdi’s Rigoletto when I was little, I loved singing it. Singing comes from the fathomless depths of a soul and is a force of nature, quintessentially human and full of the ineffable. Caro means beloved.

Kashu is Japanese and can mean singer. I am half Japanese which has played a large role in my identity and the way I’ve been perceived and treated as a human. I love singing and spent many years devoted to music/singing. It is one of my first loves and joys, a refuge and release at once.

In many ways I have come full circle and am at the end of a cycle, on the cusp of the next storyline of my human life. The last dregs of repetition are crumbling away. Shaking off the dust, ready for the phoenix.

How much is too much? 😀