Feeling Defeated

I long for the days when I was so invigorated and hopeful. Prior to the divorce process, I was the healthiest, most vibrant, loving, pure and clear than I’ve ever been. Even better than in childhood. I had cared for myself, finally..and nurtured myself into a fantastic state of exuberance, clarity, confidence and strength. Then with this new level of being, I proceeded to make major, necessary life changes which I am wholeheartedly thankful for. Yet, I totally burned myself out (well, let’s be honest, challenging people and circumstances helped me do it). But I own it, because I chose to do things the way I did and true to my life’s repeating pattern, I overdid it 🙂

I have accomplished so much and live such a loving, peaceful existence, where I no longer walk on eggshells, where I feel free to be my true, unbridled, authentic self. Priceless, every bit has been worth it. I am just beginning to turn a corner though, where my energy is returning. I often wonder if everyone goes through these trials in their lives? Where we have that defeated time, where we are just so worn out and overwhelmed that we could just cry and hibernate life away…I am coming out of that hibernation of defeat. I tell myself it took years to get me down, so it of course will take time to restore myself. And sometimes after the chaos you are transformed to an ever-deepening, more exquisite level of wisdom, love and strength. I am reminded of Gandalf’s transformation from grey to white, after battling the Balrog,  if only I were a wizard 🙂

What I’ve learned is…that it is enough to just get through each moment. That’s right. It is enough to just breathe and get through each day as it comes and realizing that no thing is ever permanent. This feeling is fleeting, this problem is not forever. Eventually everything changes and nothing I do can stop the flow of life. Yes, I can make choices that help move the flow, but if I breathe and make it through one moment to the next, eventually, before you know it, I’ve made it through to the other side of a challenging, day, week, month, year. Lo and behold the Balrog didn’t slay me after all. And there’s no such thing as being truly defeated. Spirit is more powerful than the Balrogs of human existence 🙂
So today I had some unexpected free time, a few hours to myself. As I awakened sluggish, stuffy and bleary eyed, I was excited and  became frenzied in trying to decide what to do. My mind meandered and zinged, so many things I  desire and love. Should I hurry and go outside, catch some rays and nature before dark, or go to the nursery to get some greenery for the patio, or should I work on the monumental task of sorting through old papers, shredding, etc, or exercise, or decluttering? I began to stress myself out about what ought to be a relaxing evening. Then I realized, just breathe…relax. And the time took care of itself it was an easy decision to exercise. And in the process, I also worked through some self-defeating repetitive thoughts which I have been dealing with since childhood.

Shame.

Defeat for me is connected to feelings of shame. I have been feeling ashamed that I haven’t lived up to my expectations.Even though I consciously know better, I have fallen back into self-defeating patterns. And I have been hibernating, not only because of burnout, but because of feeling ashamed. What is there to really be ashamed of though? It’s all in my head. And these are beliefs that became ingrained in me from the past. Old habits can be tenaciously difficult to release. And it seems that the Balrogs of life help me to reveal and release these layers of shame.

Today I realized that I am really ashamed because I am yet again overweight. And this has been holding me hostage. As a female growing up, I have continuously been freely criticized by family and friends about my weight and appearance. I’ve been called as big as a house, had my food restricted at a sitters while others ate what they wanted, forced to wear makeup, certain clothing and get perms, was gifted with a shirt as an 11-year-old that said “Fat’s where it’s at” I didn’t even know what it meant and relatives laughed because I really wore it. Was put in a beauty pageant where I was told afterwards I was too fat compared to the others. Not to mention I was not a blonde Barbie, but half Japanese,  part Caucasian with a dash of Native American, so I did not fit in. My value seemed to be based on my appearance and my performance in school, music and housework. I was constantly criticized and shamed, while sporadically praised. It was extremely confusing. Eventually I was anorexic for a couple of years as a teen.

And now all grown up at 52 years,  I know that I wasn’t ever that fat, nor am I now and I am perfectly normal looking, so what’s the problem?

In my adult life with the media there is all this constant barrage of advice on how to improve your appearance and all of the products to help you achieve perfection.. Mostly towards women. Objectification. And also exerting control over women, by shaming them for their lack of perfection. So much worry and waste of energy over something that is of little value. We are not our bodies. We are our souls which can not be quantified or objectified. Society brainwashes us into believing that if you don’t look a certain way then you won’t be valued or effective in life. As an adult, I’ve been moo’d at, people make comments about my weight, “You’re looking like a butterball” or “I’m surprised you’re not thin the way you eat salads all the time.” Ugh! And I feel even more distressed and ashamed because I know better and I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it still does?! And then I think, well I’m just a baby because there are so many worse things and I am so blessed and fortunate? Why can’t I just get over it already? 🙂

I thought I’d finally gotten better, that weight would no longer be an issue. Then I went through a high conflict divorce and so many financial issues. And shocking issues with my next relationship and also with what I believed to be close friendship and currently a rare debilitating health issue.Not to mention the hormonal roller coaster of menopause. All of this has had me repeating old familiar methods of coping, emotional eating, indulging in wine and isolating. I feel ashamed because I have not accomplished everything I’ve wanted to by this time in my life, yet. In life negative, challenging things are gonna happen and we do our best to cope. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s life, it happens to us all. And we learn as we go, we all wish to be better, I really believe that deep down everyone is pure love, no exceptions. So I keep reminding myself that I too am this love. I allow myself to feel shame, then I decide to remember that it’s just a feeling, not the truth. Love is the truth. I forgive. And know I can make new choices at my own pace to get better and better. Back to the high vibrancy that I know is possible because I did it before and I can do it again.

Today I chose to love. The Balrogs of life may visit again, but I am honing my wizarding skills. I am getting out more, I am relaxing more, meditating, journaling… I am exercising consistently again (MdDs has had me sidelined, seriously) I stopped indulging in wine and I am eating high vegan raw again. And I am experimenting with doing less with my appearance, wearing less makeup, using less products, not worrying so much about the new wrinkles and sags 🙂 My value does not lie within my appearance, or how much I’ve accomplished but in how I choose to be as a human, how much peace, love, joy is in my life. Plus there is not drama, life is more manageable now so I have the luxury of taking good care of myself again. Yes, I got off track in challenging times, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of, I survived and have grown tremendously in the process, while also building the life of my dreams, first stage completed 🙂  I am not a body. I am free. ACIM