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Feeling Defeated

I long for the days when I was so invigorated and hopeful. Prior to the divorce process, I was the healthiest, most vibrant, loving, pure and clear than I’ve ever been. Even better than in childhood. I had cared for myself, finally..and nurtured myself into a fantastic state of exuberance, clarity, confidence and strength. Then with this new level of being, I proceeded to make major, necessary life changes which I am wholeheartedly thankful for. Yet, I totally burned myself out (well, let’s be honest, challenging people and circumstances helped me do it). But I own it, because I chose to do things the way I did and true to my life’s repeating pattern, I overdid it 🙂

I have accomplished so much and live such a loving, peaceful existence, where I no longer walk on eggshells, where I feel free to be my true, unbridled, authentic self. Priceless, every bit has been worth it. I am just beginning to turn a corner though, where my energy is returning. I often wonder if everyone goes through these trials in their lives? Where we have that defeated time, where we are just so worn out and overwhelmed that we could just cry and hibernate life away…I am coming out of that hibernation of defeat. I tell myself it took years to get me down, so it of course will take time to restore myself. And sometimes after the chaos you are transformed to an ever-deepening, more exquisite level of wisdom, love and strength. I am reminded of Gandalf’s transformation from grey to white, after battling the Balrog,  if only I were a wizard 🙂

What I’ve learned is…that it is enough to just get through each moment. That’s right. It is enough to just breathe and get through each day as it comes and realizing that no thing is ever permanent. This feeling is fleeting, this problem is not forever. Eventually everything changes and nothing I do can stop the flow of life. Yes, I can make choices that help move the flow, but if I breathe and make it through one moment to the next, eventually, before you know it, I’ve made it through to the other side of a challenging, day, week, month, year. Lo and behold the Balrog didn’t slay me after all. And there’s no such thing as being truly defeated. Spirit is more powerful than the Balrogs of human existence 🙂
So today I had some unexpected free time, a few hours to myself. As I awakened sluggish, stuffy and bleary eyed, I was excited and  became frenzied in trying to decide what to do. My mind meandered and zinged, so many things I  desire and love. Should I hurry and go outside, catch some rays and nature before dark, or go to the nursery to get some greenery for the patio, or should I work on the monumental task of sorting through old papers, shredding, etc, or exercise, or decluttering? I began to stress myself out about what ought to be a relaxing evening. Then I realized, just breathe…relax. And the time took care of itself it was an easy decision to exercise. And in the process, I also worked through some self-defeating repetitive thoughts which I have been dealing with since childhood.

Shame.

Defeat for me is connected to feelings of shame. I have been feeling ashamed that I haven’t lived up to my expectations.Even though I consciously know better, I have fallen back into self-defeating patterns. And I have been hibernating, not only because of burnout, but because of feeling ashamed. What is there to really be ashamed of though? It’s all in my head. And these are beliefs that became ingrained in me from the past. Old habits can be tenaciously difficult to release. And it seems that the Balrogs of life help me to reveal and release these layers of shame.

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Today I realized that I am really ashamed because I am yet again overweight. And this has been holding me hostage. As a female growing up, I have continuously been freely criticized by family and friends about my weight and appearance. I’ve been called as big as a house, had my food restricted at a sitters while others ate what they wanted, forced to wear makeup, certain clothing and get perms, was gifted with a shirt as an 11-year-old that said “Fat’s where it’s at” I didn’t even know what it meant and relatives laughed because I really wore it. Was put in a beauty pageant where I was told afterwards I was too fat compared to the others. Not to mention I was not a blonde Barbie, but half Japanese,  part Caucasian with a dash of Native American, so I did not fit in. My value seemed to be based on my appearance and my performance in school, music and housework. I was constantly criticized and shamed, while sporadically praised. It was extremely confusing. Eventually I was anorexic for a couple of years as a teen.

And now all grown up at 52 years,  I know that I wasn’t ever that fat, nor am I now and I am perfectly normal looking, so what’s the problem?

In my adult life with the media there is all this constant barrage of advice on how to improve your appearance and all of the products to help you achieve perfection.. Mostly towards women. Objectification. And also exerting control over women, by shaming them for their lack of perfection. So much worry and waste of energy over something that is of little value. We are not our bodies. We are our souls which can not be quantified or objectified. Society brainwashes us into believing that if you don’t look a certain way then you won’t be valued or effective in life. As an adult, I’ve been moo’d at, people make comments about my weight, “You’re looking like a butterball” or “I’m surprised you’re not thin the way you eat salads all the time.” Ugh! And I feel even more distressed and ashamed because I know better and I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it still does?! And then I think, well I’m just a baby because there are so many worse things and I am so blessed and fortunate? Why can’t I just get over it already? 🙂

I thought I’d finally gotten better, that weight would no longer be an issue. Then I went through a high conflict divorce and so many financial issues. And shocking issues with my next relationship and also with what I believed to be close friendship and currently a rare debilitating health issue.Not to mention the hormonal roller coaster of menopause. All of this has had me repeating old familiar methods of coping, emotional eating, indulging in wine and isolating. I feel ashamed because I have not accomplished everything I’ve wanted to by this time in my life, yet. In life negative, challenging things are gonna happen and we do our best to cope. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s life, it happens to us all. And we learn as we go, we all wish to be better, I really believe that deep down everyone is pure love, no exceptions. So I keep reminding myself that I too am this love. I allow myself to feel shame, then I decide to remember that it’s just a feeling, not the truth. Love is the truth. I forgive. And know I can make new choices at my own pace to get better and better. Back to the high vibrancy that I know is possible because I did it before and I can do it again.

Today I chose to love. The Balrogs of life may visit again, but I am honing my wizarding skills. I am getting out more, I am relaxing more, meditating, journaling… I am exercising consistently again (MdDs has had me sidelined, seriously) I stopped indulging in wine and I am eating high vegan raw again. And I am experimenting with doing less with my appearance, wearing less makeup, using less products, not worrying so much about the new wrinkles and sags 🙂 My value does not lie within my appearance, or how much I’ve accomplished but in how I choose to be as a human, how much peace, love, joy is in my life. Plus there is not drama, life is more manageable now so I have the luxury of taking good care of myself again. Yes, I got off track in challenging times, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of, I survived and have grown tremendously in the process, while also building the life of my dreams, first stage completed 🙂  I am not a body. I am free. ACIM

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Whispers from the Dust

The dust continues to settle, it’s been over 2 years since my first and only post here. I decided to focus on my more positive blog, The Logical Heart Knows Best, the rational, love and light aspect of me. Carokashu is the dank, untamed, fearful and dark side of me, which I avoid and disown, because it isn’t “proper” for me to be petty, hurt, wounded and struggling. Where I feel shameful because I am not perfect and loving. Too wretched to show these colors, a burden to others and myself. The part of me that sabotages, raging, intense, running wild into the night, metaphorically of course? 😉

On the other side of comfort where the harsh cruelties of being human compel our inspiring creations, stories, archetypes and art. Into the heart of darkness, eventually surrendering to the light at the end of the tunnel, guided by the logical heart, we hope.

There and back again, over and over, the ouroboros, don’t want it, but I accept it because I am human and bound by my physicality. To pretend and deny that there is no pain, to ignore my feelings is to be lost and disconnected, squandering chances to create, the phoenix, I welcome.

So I resist, wrestle, whine and cry sometimes 🙂 I also agonize about sharing too much of the personal details of my life because I don’t want to overstep the boundaries of others. I am adverse to causing drama, don’t like to be around the crazy making and my life has been dedicated to creating peace and love in my immediate environment and to especially cultivate those qualities in me.

Yet, I also have the inspiration to share with others in the hopes that we can all learn and grow together from our common adversities. To hide the traumas, so that they do not see the light of day, except when we individually and privately are brave enough to face them and transmute them if we are able…to hide what we’ve experienced and learned, to avoid being uncomfortable, to pretend that everything is easy and all positive and to say that if I share my negative experience that it only causes more harm?

I don’t know? I question this?

I believe we need to examine adversities with a goal of understanding, so we can learn and solve the problems so that history does not continue to repeat itself? That maybe by sharing, others can learn without having to actually survive a trauma and could be proactive and actually prevent the painful experiences? Or is it folly? Are we all doomed to the repetition of hurt and betrayal, is it futile to even try? How do we know? Why not try to help make the world a better place?

There’s a difference between sharing a negative experience where there is re-victimization, anger and blame. Where it only serves to keep a person stuck in a vicious cycle of negativity as opposed to sharing in efforts to validate, educate and support others who may be in similar situations, where it serves healing, personal responsibility and growth.

Or is it even better to aspire to non attachment where I basically become removed from this physicality, live in my mind and dwell mostly in spirit where none of this earthly life is real anyway, it’s all temporary so why bother with any of the stories and happenings of life? What are our feelings for anyway?
Is it truly beneficial to detach, our bodies and life as a human are only temporary so let go, allow the feelings to pass, forgive and eventually it will be second nature and nothing can touch you? Be a Zen monk, or Jesus? Impractical to me, given our intricate lives, although all of the teachings can be valuable in establishing balance and healing. My view is that resistance is futile and detaching, or non-attachment is a tool to live a more peaceful life, but not a cure for being human. We are subject to pain and suffering, no matter what we practice.

I vacillate and at times I can maintain the big Buddha way, then at others I am a petty little girl. I am human, pure and not so simple 🙂

I am still deciding where to begin and how much to share in this Carokashu blog. I made up the name. Caro…I used to sing Caro nome from Verdi’s Rigoletto when I was little, I loved singing it. Singing comes from the fathomless depths of a soul and is a force of nature, quintessentially human and full of the ineffable. Caro means beloved.

Kashu is Japanese and can mean singer. I am half Japanese which has played a large role in my identity and the way I’ve been perceived and treated as a human. I love singing and spent many years devoted to music/singing. It is one of my first loves and joys, a refuge and release at once.

In many ways I have come full circle and am at the end of a cycle, on the cusp of the next storyline of my human life. The last dregs of repetition are crumbling away. Shaking off the dust, ready for the phoenix.

How much is too much? 😀

 

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Yeah, I am striving to keep aligned with love and to create my best life, but truth? It isn’t easy. I am not all fluff and positivity. Right now I am coming out of some major upheavals and learning experiences. Some days I wish all I could do is sleep and sleep and sleep until I’ve had my fill. I wonder why, why, why? When I know where we come from, where it is pure ecstatic oneness and bliss…why choose this? It doesn’t make any sense, All I can surmise is it must be really important to be here 🙂  And why not? Why anything? I am here so have to make the best of it. And I am still struggling with the fearful parts of me….ya know, like Gollum from the Tolkien series, I have that voice in my head that still tells me dark, fearful things….grrrrr 😛

So these days I am really tired, actually exhausted and a bit disillusioned. Jaded much? Approaching burnout. Not giving up though, can’t, won’t. But I am giving in…surrendering again and taking care of myself. Have to, because that’s what works. Speaking of…

I did a lot of work. Years of building up, learning how to take proper care of self, to love myself. I was feeling really empowered and sure of myself, felt absolutely in alignment, excited and free. Overflowing with love and positive energy, an open channel of love. Then BOOM!!! Rug pulled out from under me, causing me to question everything again….couldn’t make heads or tails,  upside down, couldn’t trust myself. I had  developed such faith, loved myself, trusted myself, my higher guidance, was sure, was in tune and felt so much love…was electric. I had become what I was desiring in life, felt life was finally matching up with me too, everything was working….then swoosh, rug pulled out from under me. Never had this happen before, was the  worst thing I’ve experienced yet.

I’ve been putting back the pieces, but I am not back to where I was? This happen to anyone else? I made it through the pain, I survived and realize I was right all along, but at what cost?  I am trusting myself again, yet I am not nearly what I was…will I ever regain my full loving force again? I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel….but wow…I was being love and still….sometimes in order to create what we want we have to be a catalyst and the explosion is worth the result? Or maybe to become what we are wanting we require reconfiguration? Or like what everyone says what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Karma? All I can do is continue to share while retelling the stories of this life as a way to grow and serve love. So somehow this was what I wanted in order to have a life more in alignment with love? I am seeing the why of my experience and the higher purpose it is serving and the clarity I have gained because of it. But now what? When am I gonna be back to my old self? Or when am I gonna feel like an improved  version, heh. How can I serve others with my new knowledge? That’s how I view painful experiences…I learn what works  and then I can be compassionate, fully empathize and share with others what I’ve learned. I have a greater understanding of why people do what they do 🙂 some things have to be experienced in order to fully understand I suppose. Grrrrr again.

Yet there are days when I regress and feel like Gollum, thinking really bad things and not trusting the hobbitses and wanting precious things to make me feel better 🙂 like wine and clove cigarettes. Being human is down & dirty, mucky & messy while also extravagantly, ecstatically, blindingly, brilliant….arghhhh, I want more of the bliss, always, my precioussssss.

Anyone have any survival tips for those experiencing heartbreak, disillusionment and loss of innocence? I bet I will, once the dust fully settles, whenever that may be, gollum, gollum 😀  Smeagol! Yesssssssssss 🙂